Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
