this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
