Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
