Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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