Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
