Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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