I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
