The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
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