Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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