Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
