I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
