nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
