I'll bet she douches with gravy.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
