Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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