Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
