I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
