I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
