Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize