i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize