U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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