I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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