Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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