im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Randomize
