your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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