Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
