I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
