the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
