He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
