My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm always down for nudity.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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