R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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