new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
