I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
