oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
