its not stalking. its research.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
