You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
