i think my tv is drunk
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
