Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
