I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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