You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
