I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
