I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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