can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i barfeds in our rink
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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