Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
