If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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