Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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