what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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