Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
