Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
