My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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