just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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