my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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