my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
