I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
