every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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