I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
