Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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