Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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